Duh duh duh done

Today I finished Book I of The Monkey & the Barrell trilogy. Oh there’s still a few things to tidy up here and there. There always will be until it’s published. But it’s basically done.

And, as always, it feels weird. You work on something almost every day for over a year. Starting with nothing and adding a page or two a day. Feeling like it’ll take you a decade to finish it. Sometimes loving what you’re writing, other times hating it. Most times not knowing what to think, as you sit there, writing in your little bubble.

Then one day you realize that you’re at the end. You’ve told the story you set out to tell. And you think, holy shit. How did that happen? You print out this ridiculously huge stack of paper. It’s a whole damn ream. All 85,000 words of it. And you stare at this stack and you say "My God. I did that?"

It’s kind of like when you take a huge crap. After sitting on the toilet for hours, days, weeks, years. Using every ounce of strength and focus you can muster. You finally stand up, turn around, and see this massive thing that came out of you. You think, that was inside me? How is that possible?

You don’t know whether to be scared, disgusted, or happy that it’s finally out. Part of you wants to scoop it all up and put it back inside you. You think, what if other people see this? They’ll make fun of it and me. Quick! Hide it! Shove it down your throat! Then you say no, no, no. That’s not right. Don’t do that. Just flush the damn thing. Flush it out into the world and let them decide what to do with it. You’ve done your part. Now it’s their turn.

So get ready, folks. Something that came out of me is on its way to you. I’m not sure when yet, but it’s coming. And when it gets there I want you to be nice to it dammit. It’s a little piece of me. And even though it put me through hell, I love the son-of-a-bitch.

Also, this post is disgusting.

Creepy Gnome

Since I posted a lot about the movie Don't Look Now in the past, I couldn't let this go by without at least a mention.

There is, apparently, a creeping sideways-walking gnome terrorizing a town in Argentina. This is no joke. And it scares the hell out of me.

Here's a video that a bunch of kids caught of the gnome. It doesn't come out until the very end, but when it does...dear lord. The sideways-walking is what's really going to give me nightmares.

I live

This is an update to prove to the world that I'm not dead. Yet. I'm like Bigfoot. People occasionally catch fleeting glimpses of me lurking through the streets of New York. Long, ape-like arms. Huge forehead. Pungent odor. Best buds with John Lithgow.

But for the most part I'm just this mysterious creature who spends his days hidden deep within his apartment. People walk by, see me in the window, and they say, "What the hell is he writing in there?"

Here's what:

1. Finishin' The Monkey & the Barrel
The book is coming along well and I hope to finish it by spring. As with anything I'm currently working on, I think it's the best thing I've ever done. Of course once it's done I'll think that it's crap. This is the curse of the fool. Never satisfied with what he's done.

2. Fiddlin' with Lick Your Neighbor
In the year since I finished this book I've had some more ideas pop into my head for revisions. That's what happens when you write a book and it sits unpublished. You keep thinking of stuff to add and stuff to take out. So once Monkey is done I'm going to tinker away on Lick for a couple months, just to purge all the stuff that's been running around in my head.

3. Percolatin' an Unnamed Comic Series
I've wanted to work on a serialized comic for quite some time, but I always put it off because I can't draw. Luckily, I've finally come to the brilliant realization that other people can draw, and that I can work with them on a project. Sometimes it's hard for novelists to remember that a thing called "collaboration" exists.

It's going to be something similar to manga. Or I guess we'd call it Amerimanga, since I'm not Japanese. Yet. I'm going to begin work on this while I do the LYN revisions, so hopefully I'll have stuff to show people this summer.

4. Dealin' with the wild kingdom forming in my backyard
There is a small colony of five feral cats living in my neighborhood. A feral cat is basically a wild, homeless cat. Kind of like a hobo. They look like this:

They're actually just like house cats only they were born in the wild, live in colonies, and don't like people very much. This one colony has taken to using my backyard as somewhat of a playground, mainly because there's a bird feeder out there and they like to stalk and pounce on the birds and squirrels it attracts. And also because I feed them delicious food because I'm a sucker for cats.

Since there are tens of thousands of feral cats in NYC, I decided that instead of just feeding these cats I should do something to help solve the problem. What I did was go to a training at the ASPCA on how to trap, neuter, and return feral cats to their territory. Or TNR for short. It's the in-thing to do to control the feral cat population these days.

So I went to the training, learned all about TNR, then returned home to write a nice letter about what I planned to do the ferals in my neighborhood. I then distributed said letter to all of my neighbors. My Brooklyn neighbors. My Brooklyn "Hey, go fuck yourself" neighbors.

Two days later I check my voice mail and this is what I hear:

In a thick Brooklyn accent...

"Hey Chris, you don't like the cats in the backyard huh? Then why don't you go back where you came from! And while you're at it, why don't you and all you other liberal bastards go spay and neuter yourselves!"

You see, this is what happens when you try to do something good in this world. You get yelled at. You get someone telling you to go cut your balls off. This is why I choose to stay indoors writing all day. It's much safer than going out there and actually interacting with all of the feral people in this world.