July 10, 2007

Johnny Meatballs

When you run a highly sophisticated website (such as this one) you get these things called "web stats" (millions of dorks around the world just said "uh duuuuuuuh" in unison) that track all sorts of little tidbits about visitors to your site. How many unique visitors you have, how long they stay, which pages they're viewing, and other boring stuff like that. However, there is one tracking category that gives me information which both provides me with endless entertainment and makes me think twice about my fellow man.

I'm talking about "Search Key phrases."

These are the words and phrases that people around the world have actually entered into Google, and other search engines, which somehow led them to click on chrisgenoa.com. Believe it or not, but "chris genoa" is only number two on the list. Number one is "tapeworm," and has been for a couple of years now. Which I guess explains the recent upswing in the number of freakishly skinny people in my neighborhood.

These search phrases often present a fascinating, and rather disturbing, glimpse into the minds, hearts, and desires of the human race.

I'm going to give you a few examples here. These search phrases are all completely real, copy and pasted directly from my web stats, and haven't been altered in any way.

"do rats fuck just like people"
Look, buddy, I don't know what you're planning to do with Nibbles, your pet rat, but the answer is no. Rats don't fuck just like humans so Nibbles does not like it when you dry hump him on the couch.

"can rats fart"
No they can't. Your girlfriend was totally lying to you when she blamed it on Nibbles last night.

"contact for chimp who knows karate"
I'm assuming you want to contact him because you need an enemy killed. Fair enough. His email is chimpnorris@cobrakai.com.

In case anyone isn't familiar with Chimp Norris, this is a recent photo of him:

"how do fishermen kill octopus"
I'm picturing a stormy sea, a small fishing boat, and a grisly old fisherman Googling this on his blackberry with one hand while his other hand fights off a giant killer octopus.

"eating dead skin flakes"
Yes, what you're doing is disgusting, and yes, you're the only person in the entire world who thinks that your own dead skin flakes taste like Pizzalicious Pringles.

"fuck the milk maid"
This one could mean one of two things. Either some guy had all his milk stolen by a milkmaid and is writing her off (as in "man, fuck that milkmaid who stole all my milk). Or some guy (make that, every guy) wants to have sex with a milkmaid.

"naked old mommies"
Yes, ladies and gentleman, there are people out there who get off on pictures of naked old mommies. Either that or some old mommy is sitting naked at her computer and is desperately looking for a support group to help her deal with that fact that she's old...and a mommy...and totally naked...all at the exact same time

"how to milk a cat"
That's easy. YOU DON'T.

"gorillas in captivity koko should be in wild?"
The reason I love this one is because here's someone who is clearly interested in the wellbeing of those poor gorillas. They want to see them freed from their cages and back in their natural habitats. And so they Google this, hoping to find some information on how to make it happen, and they find this.

"im dead"
At first I thought this was really stupid. But then I got creeped out. What if some dead little girl with long black hair Goggled this?

"im scared i want to go home"
I'm guessing this was some poor little kid at a sleepover who was scared to be away from home. Awwwwwwww. Either that or there's a little dead girl with long black hair Goggling shit at the computer next to him.

"johnny meatballs"
If I ever change my name, it will be to this.

"sensation of head exploding"
OK you need to see a doctor. IMMEDIATELY.

"what is there to do in genoa"
I have no idea. But I know all sorts of things Genoa can do in you. Hi-o!

"want to pet my bear?"
This is either someone with a pet bear that no one wants to pet, or a guy wearing a bear suit who wants someone to pet him...and no one will. Which leads me to...

"bear suit sex"
This one really, really, really bothers me, and I don't know why.

"hell is a good thing"
We'd all better hope so. Because judging from the shit people are looking for on the internet these days, a lot of us are going there.

Here are a few more for you to ponder while you debate the inherent goodness of Man:

"horny limbless ladies"
"fucking fruit pies are for old ladies"
"fart is compliment"
"pictures of retarded people having sex"
"is it possible to throw up your intestines"
"pollacks fucking"
"great haircuts on fat chicks"
"stocking lust"
"kill rats with my fart"

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