November 15, 2006

The Greatest Stocking Stuffer Ever

There are only a certain number of shopping days left until Christmas. I don't know the exact number, because I can't count. But I do know this: the time of year when I drink enough eggnog to choke a horse is just around the corner.

Yesterday, my investors cornered me in a bright alley and told me that consumers love, more than anything, to give special, one-of-a-kind gifts to each other for Christmas. Isn't that right, investors?

I'll take that as a yes. So they want me to offer such an item to the masses, and they want me to do so now, before the holiday shopping season kicks off this Friday.

So here's what I'm offering:

A bookplate.

OK, OK, OK, I know what you're saying: Bookplates are for fairies and Spaniards. But this just isn't some lame bookplate that I bought at Staples. Oh no! This bookplate is being designed by Richie Brown, who is a weird and damn fine artist. Here's an example of his first dip into the world of animation:

Trust me, the bookplate is going to be killer. Not only that, but each bookplate will have an original haiku handwritten on it by yours truly. I'm talking about a completely different haiku on every single plate. No two will be alike! How can I possibly write so many haikus? Because I am the Haiku Master.

To prove my haiku writing skills, here's one I wrote about a year ago to describe the underlining theme in Foop!:

Night, and the proud moon
A chimp, playing on his uke -
oh no, out of tune!

And how much will this beautiful, one-of-a-kind, collector's item of a bookplate cost? Nothing! Well, you do have to buy a copy of Foop! this holiday season. The whole point here is that you can put the bookplate into the book, thus making the book an extra special gift that you can give to someone you love and/or lust. And that includes yourself, because I've heard that many of you out there love/lust yourselves quite a bit. Maybe a bit too much. And too often.

You may think this is a crap idea, but twenty years or so from now, after I've gone insane and strangled an entire high school cheer leading squad or something, these autographed haiku bookplates are gonna be worth fistfuls of dough.

So here's what you do:

Step one: Buy Foop! You can get it almost anywhere online, but the cheapest and easiest place is here.

Step Two: Send your mailing address and the full name of the person who'll be receiving the book. I need this because the bookplates will say "From the Library of (Insert name here)."

If you want me to include some personal info regarding your friend in the haiku, perhaps something embarrassing, then feel free to send that along as well. That way I can make the haiku more personal.

Step Three: That's it. I'll mail the bookplate to you free of charge. I'll even include a limited edition Foop! bookmark which I designed myself, back when I actually had the energy to do shit like that. Why am I doing this? Because I'm the nicest asshole you'll ever meet.

Foop! with the haiku bookplate is, clearly, an awesome stocking stuffer. However, it's not the greatest stocking stuffer ever. That title goes to the new Twisted Sister album "A Twisted Christmas." You might want to put on a diaper before you watch the following video. Because it's so fucking good, you're gonna shit your pants.

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