October 19, 2006

A God Among Men

Before I say anything, I'd like for everyone to shut the hell up for one minute and watch the following important historical document in its entirety.

There. Now that we're all on the same page, I can finally say something that has been on my mind for quite some time...

Tiny Tim was the greatest man who ever set foot on this cold, cruel earth.

You wanna talk about someone who was comfortable in their own skin, no matter how hideous it was? You wanna talk about a true, one of a kind American original? You wanna talk about a leader, and not a follower? About a man who drank salsa out of the jar? About a real man? About a true entertainer? You wanna talk about a man who took what God gave him, as little as it was, and turned it into something beautiful, glowing, and pure? About a man so talented that all he needed to entertain hundreds of thousands of people for hours on end was his own voice and a teenie tiny ukulele?

Look no further that the man born one Herbert Buckingham Khaury, but who we all know as Tiny Tim.

You thought that Tiny was just some kind of lame novelty act? That he didn't have any talent? That he was some kind of joke? Think again, JERK. The man had more talent, guts, and beauty in his scrotum than most of us have in our entire bodies. Don't believe me? Watch this goddamn work of art and you'll see what I mean.

If you're not horny as hell after watching that, then you must be dead.

I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm dead fucking serious. When people ask me who my heroes are, I always say Tiny Tim. The man was too damn good for this world. Putting him on this planet was like giving a perfect cut of filet mignon to someone at a McDonald's drive-thru. A total waste of prime meat.

If you were to drop Tiny Tim onto a distant alien planet (let's say it's the planet Ummbopalooloo) with nothing but the multicolored clothes on his back and a ukulele, I guarantee you that within three days time, he would be considered the greatest entertainer in the history of Ummbopalooloo and would be worshipped as a god.

And you? What would happen if you were dropped onto Ummbopalooloo with only your clothes and a tiny stringed instrument? I'll tell you what would happen. You'd start to play some lame song on your ukulele, something by Aerosmith perhaps, and within ten seconds your limbs would be torn off by an angry mob of Ummbopaloolooians who would then proceed to beat your limbless torso with your own limbs until there was nothing left but a squishy pile of mush and bones. They would then drink the mush through their quasi-futuristic green plastic twisty straws.

Harsh? Maybe. But it's not my fault you're no Tiny Tim.

I'll leave you with this final proof of the man's perfection. Watch it, and then go slap yourself for not appreciating the man more when he was still with us.

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