July 16, 2006

In all the wrong places

Every now and then I take a look at my webstats, and when I see the kinds of search phrases that are leading people to my website, I have to ask myself: what the hell is wrong with you people?

Here's a small sample of the actual phrases that people enter into Google that ultimately lead them to chrisgenoa.com.

1. "thank you for fondling my little penis"

I must admit that it is a bit disturbing that I am on the first page of search results for this little gem. Even more disturbing is the fact that this was searched for not once, not twice, but thrice!

Whoever's searching for this, here's a little tip: As much as you'd like them to, no one says "thank you" for having their little penis fondled.

2. "built like a brick shithouse"

This one makes perfect sense since I am indeed built like a brick shithouse

Here's me earlier today after a few light push-ups.

3. "don't look now sex scene"

I'm really quite honored to have this one listed, since it is quite possibly the most realistic sex scene in cinematic history. Mainly because Donald Sutherland's mustache screams "reality!"

Mustache rides! Step right up!

4. sweet farts

OK, so I did some googling for this myself and found out that "Sweet Farts" is a farting fetish porn video series. Don't believe me? Go here. Warning: not for those easily offended by hardcore fart porn.

5. "charmin toilet paper"

Charmin: The next best thing to wiping your dirty ass with a baby's smooth, soft cheek.

6. "knight in shining armour karate kid"

The greatest goddamn song EVER.

Shhhhhh, Daniel Son. Peter Cetera is about to take us to a sonic dreamland.

7. "fucking place in sorrento"

I've been Sorrento, and no, I did not find this fucking place you speak of. Mainly because I didn't realize there was such a place. But believe me, next time I go, I'm totally there.

8. "pie!"

This one is very near and dear to my heart since it so vividly describes what's on my mind about 82% of the time.

9. "kick in a girls crotch"

I'm guessing this is some little kid who's pissed off at his sister and is trying to find out if it's worth it for him to kick her in the crotch.

The answer is no, my son. That will only result in her retaliating by kicking you in the crotch. It is far better to fart in her bedroom and then run out and hold the door shut.

10. "lost virginity"

Hmmmmmm, do you remember where you last saw it? Underneath the couch cushions perhaps? On top of the washing machine? Oh wait, I know where you left it: INSIDE THAT FILTHY WHORE'S SAUSAGE WALLET.

11. "lyrics oh my lord lord lord lord"

For godsakes people, it's just "oh my lord lord lord lord" over and over again. Haven't you seen the movie Glory 80 or so times like the rest of us?

12. "frantic masturbation"

Wait, is there such a thing as non-frantic masturbation?

"No. No there is not."

13. "gigglin wigglin free

This last one comes from a Jello pudding commercial, which, as I said earlier, makes me uncomfortable and filled with blind rage everytime I see it:

Seeing it for the 20th or so time now, I think that part of my anger comes from the fact that the kid is wearing capri pants.

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