July 14, 2006

Intelligence Tastes Awesome

Earlier this week, I ate the best octopus I've ever had the pleasure of shoving into my big fat mouth. This isn't saying much, since I really don't eat octopus very often. But I've had it enough over the years to know that the Grilled Octopus with “Borlotti Marinati” and Spicy Limoncello Vinaigrette I had on Monday was about as deliciously perfect as those eight-armed bastards can get.

Sidenote: I realize that there was Limoncello in that dish and I do remember my Limoncello rant from last year. But this is different. That disgusting liquid was only used in a sauce, and the cooking process burned off the 800 proof grain alcohol, leaving only the lemony goodness.

But late Monday night, as I rolled my stuffed belly around the apartment--feeling like a bloated tick--I started to think about Octopuses. What's their deal?

Here's what I learned:

They are about as smart as cats.

They can open jars after learning from observation.

They have been known to board fishing ships and open holds to eat crabs.

They can taste with their arms.

They will headbutt you if you make fun of their mothers and/or sisters.

They can change color to camouflage themselves.

Bic, Inc. has a massive Matrix-like chamber of imprisioned, sleeping Octopuses which they constantly pump ink out of to fill their popular line of ballpoint pens

All these scientific facts got me thinking...how do fishermen catch such smart creatures? I spoke with some local fishermen (a couple of old, pipe smokin' seamen named William "Salty" Able and John "Teapot" Jones), and here's what they said:

"Avast, consider ye the Octopus!"

"Arrrr, where's me grog? Where's me hornpipe? Where's my pants?"

"Give me a cat o'nine tails and I'll flog ye an Octopus bigger than ye fat landlubber head."

"Can ye spare us a couple 'o doubloons, matey?"

"Reach down in me pants, there you'll find the infamous Giant One-eyed Squid of Tortuga. If ye treat him well, he may squirt his ink for ye."

Maybe I should just summarize what they said.

The first thing you gotta do is trick the octopus into leaving the water. This is done by leaving a trail of shiny stones from the ocean floor up to the beach. A wandering Octopus will eventually come along and collect the stones for his magical undersea Octopus's garden. While collecting, the Octopus will get so lost in his work that he'll walk right onto land. The moment he realizes he's out of the water, which happens pretty quickly since he can sense the temperaure change, the Octopus will leap up and fly through the air like a bird.

This is when the fishermen strike. Using a technique similar to fly fishing, they fling a bunch hooked strings at the airborne Octopus. Then it's simply a matter of slowly reeling the creature in.

And there you have it.

Why not just catch the octopus while it's underwater? Here's why:

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