July 03, 2006

The Future of Language Instruction

I decided that it's not fair that only the Japanese get to do some sweet calestentics every morning while learning how to deal with an abusive English-speaking husband/boyfriend/rapist. What about us English-speakers? Where's our deep knee bends? Where's our easy-to-remember, somewhat cryptic Japanese phrases?

Right here, that's where. For some reason, they mixed in a bunch of dudes with the Zuiikin girls for the Japanese lesson. The bald guy's shorts? Totally inappropriate. I mean, the guy (key word here: GUY) has a camel toe, people.

*Free 4th of July Weekend Fun Fact: the proper term for a male camel toe is a "moose knuckle".

Did you catch Mr. Moose Knuckle's facial expressions? If not, you need to watch it again. During the Dohmo routine he breathes in like a goddamn guppy on every arm raise, and during the Wakede routine, for each calf raise, he smiles as if a killer clown from outer space has its hand up his ass and is using him like a puppet.

I tried getting English translations for those phrases, but going from Japanese to English is a huge pain. This may come as a surprise to the makers of this video, but it takes a hell of a lot more than squat thrusts to learn what "Jaa sonna wakede" means. The only one I was able to sort of translate is "Tsumaranai mono desuga," which bascially means "I have a small gift for you." Judging from the other English phrases they're teaching, I'm guessing that small gift is a swift kick in the crotch.

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