February 15, 2006
Barf-o-rama
I was disgustingly sick last week with a nasty case of gastroenteritis. I had vomit flying out of me just like Barfin' Barbara up there. Actually, if you really want to know what I went through (and I know you do, especially those of you out there reading this on your lunch breaks), it was more like Barfy Barbies.
Isn't that a nice little visual?
Speaking of vomiting, did you know that a sea cucumber will vomit out its entire digestive system when it feels threatened? Apparently it all comes out in a big white goo that scares away the fish or whatever was trying to harass the cucumber. They can re-grow a new one.
In case you need a visual of that as well, here's a sea cucumber that looks like it's about to hurl:
What a great defense mechanism. Imagine if we could do that. You're about to get mugged...a guy is coming at you with a knife demanding your wallet...you fumble in your purse for your mace....it's not there...you're backed into a corner...and just when things look bleak, you projectile vomit your entire digestive system (stomach, intestines, everything) all over the mugger. Even if that doesn't scare him away you could at least then use your intestines as a weapon to whip and/or strangle the guy into submission.
Yes, we have nothing on those amazing cucumbers of the sea. The only thing we can use vomiting for is our own misery. Here are a few of the passing thoughts I had while the virus danced around my innards last week.
"The fact that I haven't cleaned this toilet in months isn't helping things AT ALL."
"No...please. No more! For God's sake let me die in peace!"
"If it wasn't for my stomach forcing bile up through my intestines and out my mouth right now, I'd say I had a bit of a headache."
"Get the fuck away from me cat. I don't watch you puke...asshole."
"Hmmmmmmm. Did I eat somethig bright red today? Or should I be REALLY concerned right about now?"
"Ah to be human and have to blow your nose to get the vomit out that made its way into your sinus cavity. Surely this is the best of all possible worlds!"
"This toilet bowl now contains every possible bodily fluid my body could ever produce. Perhaps its time to flush."
"I can't believe I just threw up a tiny sip of water. What's next? Air?"
"I can't believe I just threw up air."
"I am fortune's fool!"
Other animals seem to have it much better when it comes to vomiting. Cats puke all the time and don't seem to mind. Same with dogs who'll eat grass just to make themselves puke. Whales vomit on a regular basis to expel all of the inedible crap they suck in (i.e. Pinocchio and Baron Munchausen). And we all know that birds puke into their children's mouths. Not because they're sick, but because their kids love vomit like I love butter.
But I'm all better now. No more barfin'. Speaking of barfin', can anybody figure out if Barfin' Barbara is throwing up into that pot and cooking her vomit on purpose? What I'm saying here is, did she go into the kitchen with the premeditated intent to puke into a pot and cook it up for dinner? Or was she cooking something else, perhaps some beef stew, and she just happened to get sick and throw up into the pot? It's an important distinction, and the mystery of it is driving me crazy. It's like trying to figure out why Mona Lisa is smiling.
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.chrisgenoa.com/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/194
she's definately reusing that barf. it's so chunky, I don't think anyone could really let it go to waste.
.
but then again, do those stars and swirls around her mean she's not in her right mind? dizzy? loopy? drugged up? her eyes -are- kinda wonky...
.
she probly barfs so much she just stays in the kitchen. makes it easier to recycle her mostly masticated food.
I'm hungover, and I come in to work and I prepare to read a brand new entry by my favorite author Chris Genoa.
Thanks Genoa, I'm puking in my file drawer now.
Posted by: ssg at February 22, 2006 09:05 AMI'm sorry if I made anyone hurl with that post. I just puked so much last week that I needed to talk about it. The post actually started out much longer than that. I went into a lot more detail, especially about the time I tried sucking on an ice cube and ended up throwing it up. Ever throw up a single ice cube? I swear that part of my esophgaus came out during that little episode.
lp, I think you should just forget about Barbara. Believe me, it's for the best. I've spent the better part of 5 years trying to figure out what's really going on in that picture. After losing all my friends, family, and fortune, I've come to the conclusion that only one person knows for sure: Barfin' Barbara. And she's dead.
Some pictures would have been neat.
Posted by: Donnie at March 1, 2006 02:15 AMI used to collect those stickers like mad when I was young. I thought they were the most awesome things ever. Now, seeing the two you have posted, I wonder why. The vomiting diaper disturbs me the most. I can't even look at it without thinking I am not supposed to be seeing it at all. Like when I was little and my friends next door neighbor, who was old and a bit senile, would be at the side of the house, peeing in a trashcan in plain view. You just had to look away quickly. God forbid he should think he had an audience.
Posted by: The Jenitron at March 10, 2006 11:30 AM
This website is a work of fiction. All references to people, places, names, and/or businesses are done so in a purely satiric manner.
Foop! sketches by Chris Daily
Powered by Movable Type 3.15.