October 25, 2005

Lemon Hell No

I just got back from 2 weeks of pouring wine dowing my throat with a funnel and shoveling pizza and fish into my mouth with huge wooden spoons. I was in Italy, a place everybody should go to learn how to eat the way God intending us to and how to live the good life with little money and lots of friends and family.

There is one thing, however, that people should avoid doing at all costs while in Italy. Especially if you find yourself in the area of Sorrento, home of that famous after-dinner drink known as Limoncello.

It's a lemon liqueur that is sold in pretty much every shop in Sorrento, with many stores selling nothing but limoncello and limoncello related products such as limoncello pasta, limoncello cookies, limoncello t-shrits, and limoncello cellos. And believe me, tourists snatch up this stuff like crazy.

But here's the thing...it's fucking disgusting. I'm talking vomit-inducing nastiness. Here's me at a restuarant in Sorrento, after a really awesome meal of fish stew, taking my first sip of the limoncello a waiter brought me on the house:

And here's me right after:

Gee thanks. Thank you for bringing me a drink on the house. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, washes down a big pot of octopus, squid, mussels, and anchovies like a glass of lemon-flavored 190 proof grain alcohol.

Here's the centuries old recipe for Limoncello:

Ingredients:

1 gallon of rubbing alcohol
1 pound of sugar
the juice of one lemon

Combine all of the ingredients in a cute bottle (bottles in the boot shape of Italy are especially good), shake well, and serve to unsuspecting idiots from Germany, England, and America.

I don't know about you people, but I'm kind of picky in that I don't like to put things in my mouth that make a little bit of vomit rise in my throat. Am I alone in this?

Why do you think so many restaurants in Sorrento give out free shots of this supposed nectar of the Gods? Because they're trying to get rid of it! If it was good, they'd sell it. But since they have HUGE stockpiles of it, warehouses filled to the ceilings with bottles of it, they have to give it away. I can picture restaurant managers looking in their storage rooms and saying "How the hell am I going to get rid of all this limoncello? Just what in God's name was I thinking when I ordered 600 cases of it?"

It's all marketing. When you see shop after shop selling this pretty-looking liqueur in pretty bottles you think it has to be good. All those stores couldn't survive selling something that wasn't delicious, could they? Naaaaaaaaaaa. Come on honey, let's buy a couple gallons.

Ever notice how your friends always bust out a dusty bottle of limoncello at their dinner parties. Why? Because they don't want to drink it themselves and they don't want to throw away something they paid good money for. They want YOU to drink it. Drink this, it's AMAZING.

The moral of this story is: never drink something that's free unless it's water.

I'm actually a bit nervous about posting this. I have a feeling the mafia controls the limoncello racket in Sorrento and that they "take care of" anyone who stands up and says "Wait a second, this stuff is awful." I even think I remember a certain look in the waiter's eye when he brought me the limoncello. His mouth said "Here's some delicious limoncello on the house," but his eyes said "I know a terrible secret but I can't tell you because I'll get strangled with piano wire if I do."

Or maybe the limoncello phenomenon is controlled by that evil kid from The Twilight Zone episode "It's a Good Life." It's the one where little Anthony Fremont terrorizes an entire small town with his ability to read minds and make people disappear into the cornfield if they make him mad. Which is a real good thing, isn't it? Oh yes, it's really good, Anthony, that you turned Uncle Bob into a jack-in-the-box because he puked after drinking the oh so delicious limoncello.

Don't look at me like that, Anthony. I swear, limoncello is a real good thing. I mean, I don't care much for it but...

Oh shit. I was kidding. Ha ha. I love the stuff. It's such a good thing! Look, I'm drinking it. Oh hell yes that's good stuff! Yummy yummy goodness. Can I get a refill over here? Just leave the bottle.

Yep, nothing like glass after glass after glass of velvety smooth limoncello. Really hits the spot. Hey, they should call this stuff Lemon-Hello! Am I right or am I right? Ha ha.

Kill me.

So if I suddenly disappear in the next few days you'll know why. Tell my mother that I love her, and just drink your limoncello and shut up.

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