September 30, 2005

Fforde Ffans Ffrikkin' Hate Me

It's time for me to face the truth: Jasper Fforde fans despise me.

A few months ago I didn't even know who Jasper Fforde was. But a bunch of super negative Foop! reviews on Amazon and some nasty emails later, and I know him more than I'd care to. He's this guy. A bestselling British writer of humorous detective fiction.

Here's what happened: Someone out there, with the best of intentions I'm sure, made an Amazon wish list that said "If you like Jasper Fforde, you'll also like..." and included Foop! on the list. Little did he know that people actually read those lists and that a bunch of Fforde fans would buy my book based on the recommendation from this complete stranger.

Little did the listmaker also know that Jasper Fforde fans would hate not only my book but me personally as well. I understand not liking a book, there are many books I've read and not liked, but what's with the hatred of sweet, doe-eyed, happy-go-lucky me?

Here's an excerpt from the most recent review from a Fforde fan:

"If you still can't control yourself, and simply must try this book, send me a stamped, self-addressed envelope and I'll send you my copy by return mail. It's only half used...Don't waste your time on Foop! And if you see another Genoa novel, make loud noises and back away slowly."

Yikes. Not only did this guy hate Foop! so much he couldn't finish it, but now he's saying that every book I will ever write is going to suck it. And I'm only 28, so that's a lot of crappy books to come. But why back away slowly? Why not just turn and bust into a full sprint towards the comfort of the Jasper Fforde section?

Bad reviews are one thing, but sending emails to me telling me that I'm a shitty writer, a waste of time, and that I need help? I swear, if I get one more email saying that I'm mentally unbalanced and that I need professional help I'm going to start killing and eating people again.

Here's the deal: I write nothing like Jasper Fforde. If you pick up Foop! hoping to get Jasper Fforde you're going to be REALLY dissapointed. You won't find literary allusions, metafiction, or super tightly scripted plots. You also won't find very much feel-good whimsy (weeeeeeee! wwwwwwhimsy!). I mean, come on people. Fforde's latest book is about nursery rhyme crimes and features a detective named Jack Spratt who takes on the case of "fall guy" Humpty Dumpty. Forget about same genre, what in God's name makes you think Foop! is even on the same planet as that sort of thing?

Here's Jasper's author photo:





And here's mine:





One of these things is not like the other, and it doesn't take a genius to see that.

I have nothing against Jasper Fforde. No, I haven't read any of his books. And I most likely never will. Not because I think he sucks, but because I can easily see that he's not for me. Do I despise him for this? Do I send him mean emails telling him how mad I am that he wasted my time? Of course not. Why? Because I realize that the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.

If a freakin' 80s sitcom theme song can learn that simple life lesson, then why the hell can't everybody else?

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