September 15, 2005

Upstage Adelina? Fools!

I haven't been posting much recently because I've been hard at work on two new books. This is a lot for my little, alcohol-scarred brain to handle, so some things in my life have been sacrificed...such as this blog and basic personal hygiene.

But I wanted to mention that I just found out that the 1973 Nicolas Roeg classic thriller Don't Look Now (a movie which I really like) is being remade by Paramount Pictures with a planned 2007 release. This is an awful idea.

Remakes almost always fail to come even close to their original in goodness, and they're making this one even worse by eliminating the Adelina Poerio role. She's the psychotic killer dwarf at the end of the movie. Are you kidding me? They're cutting out the dwarf? If anything, movies these days need MORE dwarfs. Especially ones who carry a huge butcher knife and aren't afraid to use it.

This is going to turn out worse than when Tim Burton tried to replace the classic Statue of Liberty moment at the end of his lame Planet of the Apes remake with the Lincoln statue thing.

I'm saying it right now: you cannot top a psycho killing dwarf ending. I don't care how many screenwriters they hire, or how crazy of a twist they throw in, it will fail miserably and I will hate them for even trying to mess with perfection.

I've also heard they're going to put a lot more sex scenes in the remake, trying to top the famous Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland lovefest. This is also doomed to fail. That love scene was a last minute on-set idea by Roeg, and most of it was improvised. That's probably why it was so great and seemed so realistic compared to other Hollywood sex scenes, which are usually super unrealistic. At least they look unrealistic to me, but I don't know...maybe you all choreograph your sex beforehand so that it's more like a beautiful ballet and less like an improvised jig.

Or maybe the Don't Look Now sex scene was realistic because of Donald Sutherland's mustache. There's just something about a mustache that screams "REALITY!"

The lesson we will learn from the new Don't Look Now is this: remakes are made by lazy pricks.

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