June 15, 2005

Abe and the Ape

I've gotten a few emails recently chewing me out for making fun of Abraham Lincoln in Foop! Come on now, folks. The guy died in 1865. I think a sufficent mourning period has passed and that it's pretty much open season on his freaky face. Because let's face it: the guy looked like a damn ape.

In Foop! I basically say that Lincoln was the missing link between monkeys and man. Take a good look at that picture of his head up there. Take some time to look deep into those sad eyes of his. If you look hard enough, you just might be able to see his soul. Got it? OK now do the same with this picture:

Now I don't know about you, but when I look deep into Abe's somber eyes what I see buried down in there is none other than a sad chimp. And when I look deep into the sad chimp's eyes what I see buried down in there is a very somber Abe Lincoln. The conclusion? Lincoln had the soul of a sad chimp, and some chimps have the soul of a somber Lincoln. They're soul brothers.

It wouldn't be fair for me to make such a claim unless I at least put myself up to the same test. But, since I'm SO sure of my nonmonkeyness, I'll even go one step further. I'm going to put myself up against not just a chimp, but a chimp wearing glasses and reading a book.

Look deep into his eyes...

OK, got that? Now look deep into my eyes...

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee? It's pretty obvious this time that the human, me, has the soul of a beautiful child, while the monkey is nothing but a filthy beast who, despite the fact that he has the soul of a young Abraham Lincoln, should be taken out back and shot before he takes over the planet and gives Charlton Heston all sorts of shit.

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