March 31, 2005

Old Baldy

This was the original sketch for America's Great Seal, designed by Charles Thomson in 1782. It features the good old bald eagle clutching a bundle of arrows in one claw and an olive branch in the other (it's a threat and a peace offering all in one). In its beak is a scroll with E Pluribus Unum on it and above it are 13 stars representing the colonies along with rays of light busting through the clouds.

Ben Franklin didn't like the choice of an eagle one bit, calling it "a bird of bad moral character" since it often steals food from other birds. He also went on to call the eagle poor, lousy, and a rank coward. Geez Ben, did an eagle slap your momma or something?

Ben said he would rather see a good old honest American wild turkey on the seal. People today who only know turkeys from the Butterballs in the freezer section probably think that Ben was being a twit. Nevermind that a wild turkey had about as much in common with a Butterball as Chris does with Dan Brown. Because when you take a minute to look at how the symbol of a sharp, fierce eagle has been put to use over the years, you might think twice about tom turkey.

For example:

Here's old baldy reporting for duty, ready to blow the crap out of anything even remotely UnAmerican who crosses his path. Do you think you could get away with putting a turkey in this picture? Would it inspire the same badass feelings? Or would it just look pretty damn silly.

Say you're in a Walmart. You're a proud American and you're looking for something to put in your gun. Would you choose, perhaps, something like this?

Hells yeah you would. But what if there was a goofy turkey on that box, staring back at you with its gobble gobbly eyes? Would you still pick up the box with pride? Or would you head over to the fishing aisle and buy a nice tackle box instead.

"Somebody! Anybody! Help! We need a HUGE-ASS bomb over here, quick! Oh who could possibly lug a huge-ass bomb over here? Who, I ask, WHO?"

The American bald eagle, that's fucking who.

And this, folks, is the ultimate:

The NRA has a gun safety program for kids called The Eddie Eagle GunSafe Program. Who better to teach kids about gun safety than an American Eagle, because everybody knows how much our national symbol loves and respects his massive gun collection.

It seems that Eddie splits his time between dancing around with kids and doing this:

Standing in front of a gigantic green target, eh? In the bullseye of the target at that. Um, Eddie? You sure that's a GunSafe place to stand?

Maybe if congress had listened to Big Ben way back when then things would be different. Maybe people would have tried to come up with all of these gun-carrying turkey images and saw how silly they looked. Maybe we would be content to waddle proudly on the ground instead of arrogantly soaring where we please. Maybe we'd have a sense of humor.

OK, we still have a sense of humor. I mean, those kids look happy as can be, hanging out with their pal Eddie, enjoying the feel of the cold, hard steel in their little soft hands. I just wonder if the guy who plays Eddie Eagle feels the same as Chris does at the end of a long, hard day of making the children of the world smile...

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