February 21, 2005

Mommy, I'm Scared

Whenever I’m feeling uneasy or disturbed about something in my life (from finding a strange lump on my leg to knowing there’s an assassin plotting my death) I like to distract myself from the real horror with a healthy dose of fake horror, courtesy of a handful of films with moments that truly do scare the sewage out of me. I'll ask Chris to load up the DVD player and leave me alone to soak in the spooky stuff while the weight of the real world melts away.

It’s a practice I recommend to anyone who’s going through a rough time. Simply head down to your local video store and pick up those 3 or 4 movies that contain moments that never fail to make you feel like a kid hiding under the covers.

If you need some suggestions, here’s my top 5 scary-ass movie moments:

1. Adelina Poerio, What’s Your Deal?

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth repeating. The very thought of Adelina Poerio, who played the old dwarf lady in a red raincoat from Don’t Look Now, scares me to holy hell. She’s only in the movie for about a minute at the very end (besides a few blurry glimpses of her running through the streets of Venice), but her presence comes so out of nowhere and is so jarring that it truly did frighten me in a profound way. I had nightmares for weeks.

A lot of people think that this scene is so absurd that it’s just funny. But ask yourself this: If one foggy night you chased what you thought was a lost, frightened little girl into a corner and she turned around to reveal that she was a gray-haired, knife-wielding dwarf, would you chuckle and say “Ha! How utterly and delightfully r-r-r-r-ridiculous!”? Or would you make a face more like, say, this:

2. Oh Look, There’s a Freaky Old Lady Crawling on the Ceiling

I seem to have a thing with old ladies. This is from Exorcist III and, like Don’t Look Now, the rest of the movie isn’t very scary at all. But this one little moment, when a senile grandma turns into The Fly, is the stuff that me not being able to sleep at night is made of.

3. Eyeball + Razorblade = Heebie Jeebies

Un Chien Andalou is a 17 minute film written by Salvador Dali and Luis Bunuel. There’s a bunch of creepy images in it (such as one of a man as he pulls a piano, the Ten Commandments and a dead donkey towards a woman he REALLY wants to kill) but none are as terrifying as the one where a women gets her eyeball sliced open by a razorblade. As Chris once said, "There's a reason why I keep a hammer underneath my tempur pedic pillow. And that reason is slow, deliberate mutilation and my firm belief that every human being, deep in their heart of hearts, would like to at least give it a try."

4. Super Cool Big Wheel Journey Takes a Turn Into Hell

There you are, happily fulfilling a childhood fantasy many of you probably had, peddling your spiffy Big Wheel through the empty halls of a gigantic hotel. Then you turn the corner and see down at the end of the hall two girls who are supposed to be dead. Everytime you blink they're suddenly closer to you. They speak in unison. They want you to come play with them. To play with them forever, and ever, and ever.

Later in the film there’s also this little gem:

At first glance this seems to be funny as hell. I mean, who doesn’t like people in furry animal costumes. But, uh, just what are those two doing in that room? And how long have they been doing it? A few minutes? A few DAYS? Is...is that dogman pleasuring that man sexually? Or worse, emotionally? Or, even worse, were they just in there cuddling?

5. I’ve Seen Enough, I want to Go Home Now

We're all familiar with The Ring. We know how scary it is. But for me, the first moment when the girl peeks her head out from the well (you can actually see it happen once just after the little boy watches the video) is perhaps one of the creepiest images in movie history. Just that split second before the static kicks in when you think you may or may not have seen something start to come out of that well is enough for me. The fact that the movie goes on from there actually makes it a bit less scary, because let's face it, it's the not-knowing that kills you. If they had ended the move there it would have easily topped Adelina as number one.

Bonus: "The Scene"

When all else fails, and I really need something to scare me out of worrying about a real life problem, I ask Chris to set up “The Scene” for me.

“The Scene” is this: Chris takes a certain naked, old, dirty doll we have locked up in a safe in the closet (No, this isn't The Evil Doll. It's just a regular old doll) He takes it out of the safe and stands it up against a wall in the room. He turns out all of the lights and lights a single candle in the center of the room. Then he locks the door and leaves me alone in the apartment until morning.

It's hard to worry about much of anything then that doesn't involve that dimly lit doll, the dark, quiet space that surrounds it, and the absolute horror pounding in my soul.

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