February 15, 2005

Know Thy Enemy

While I wait for the Assassin Bug to show his pathetic face, I've been researching the early history of his cowardly profession. It passes the time and gives me a small glimpse into the mind of these despicable creatures.

The earliest record of an assassin goes back to the Middle Ages, when a woodsman by the name of Edward roamed the English countryside with his pet bear. Edward found the bear as a cub and raised it as if it were his own son. And for Edward that meant feeding the bear, bathing it, using its fur to make risqué outfits, naming the bear Gummy, inappropriately touching Gummy, and also teaching Gummy how to kill people for profit.

Over time stories of the strange man and his bear spread, primarily through minstrel songs such as the wildly popular “Edward in the Wood.”

"O where are ye going?"
Quo Edward in the wood.
"I'm going to the school,"
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

"Do you want to pet my bear?"
Quo Edward in the wood.
"I do but I am scared,"
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

"Do you want to pet me?"
Quo Edward in the wood.
"No."
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

"Aww come on. Pet me."
Quo Edward in the wood.
"I’ll pet the bear."
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

"I wish ye would pet us both."
Quo Edward in the wood.
"My hand is tired."
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

"Pet me or die."
Quo Edward in the wood.
"Better to die than touch your inner thigh."
Quo the wee boy, and still he stood.

Edward and Gummy killed hundreds of men, women, and children over the course of several decades, but they only managed to eek out a modest living. In those days people died so easily on their own from such things as diseases, infections, and witch hunts that killing someone really wasn't considered a big deal. Because odds are the person you killed would have died anyway in the next couple months, so people weren't willing to pay much to have someone assassinated.

This is why after Edward's death (he was eventually killed by Gummy after asking for one too many late-night "favors") many years would pass until the assassin renaissance known as The Ninja Age blossomed.

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