February 04, 2005
Ass, as in...
Besides watching my word combinations, which, as we have seen, have led certain perverts to Chris' website in search of scatological content, I also need to watch my vague threats. Just as Saddam Hussein used to watch CNN to find out what the US Army was up to, my enemies also apparently monitor this site. And now, because of my big fat mouth, the Parasite Pals have hired as assassin to eat me.
Lovely.
I saw him this morning lurking around Chris’ foot. It's an assassin bug, which is the Boba Fett of the bug world. Farmers use these stealthy murderers to kill a wide variety of pests in their crops, and other bugs frequently hire them out to take out their enemies. I'll admit that once, as a misguided youth, I paid quite a hefty sum to an assassin bug, code-named Obit, to, shall we say, deal with a certain weevil who, shall we say, didn't know when to shut his fat hole. But that was years ago, and since then I've matured and learned that one has a certain responsibility to, shall we say, take out the trash himself instead of paying someone else to do it for you.
Honestly, I don't know what the Parasite Pals are so upset about. It's not like I actually did anything to them. I was kidding, assholes. What, you can take my wife away from me but you can't take a little joke? Hypocrites!
So be it. Just as I dispose of my own trash these days, I also have ways of dealing with the crap that's thrown at me, even if that crap happens to be a cold, merciless, sinister killing machine.
And once I deal with the crap, I'll turn my attention to the crappers. You bastards have crapped your last.
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Holy crap, I guess you mean business! Where's that Dodocko character anyway? I bet he'd go bug-shit on this miscreant!
Er...not to take us off the subject of you being targeted for death and all, but...when is Chimp Norris going to guest blog? I was looking forward to a February filled with besotted simian haikus.
Just wondering... --MM
Posted by: magazine man at February 5, 2005 01:48 AMDo you have any idea how hard it is to get a drunk chimp to sit down and actually do something you ask it to? It's frikkin impossible. Even on those rare occasions when I manage to get him to sit still at the computer for a moment, all he wants to do is violently bang on the keyboard like it's a piano. He says he's doing his David Helfgott impression, but his banging isn't even remotely close to the keystrokes for the Rach 3. But he certainly does have the stuttering and twitching part down well, I'll give him that.
As for Dodocko, he's gone. With Chris back, and with him an abundance of dead skin for the dust mite colony, there's no need for him to protect my domain anymore. So he left, off in search of other adventures.
I can't make any promises but I'll continue trying to get Chimp Norris to guest blog for a month. Sooner or later he's bound to type sometime that approaches coherence. Just as an infinite number of monkeys typing away will eventually produce Hamlet, one drunk monkey occasionaly pretending he's David Helfgott at a computer will eventually produce a serviceable blog entry.
Posted by: pepino at February 5, 2005 07:40 AM
This website is a work of fiction. All references to people, places, names, and/or businesses are done so in a purely satiric manner.
Foop! sketches by Chris Daily
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