January 05, 2005

With friends like these...

Today I received an email invitation to join the Happy Parasite Friendship Club. The invitation came from my ex-wife Blinky who left me several years ago. Why she chose to email me now, after all these years, I know not.

Blinky was the love of my life, and when she broke my heart she broke it for good, killing both our marraige and my capacity to love a woman. Shame on you, Blinky. Now I get by on whores, dustmite whores at that, and have been reduced to a mere shell of my former self...like Lestat, living like a savage in the cemetery, eating filthy rats to survive, not because he enjoys it, but just to keep on living...if one can still call it that.

Imagine my surprise when I headed over to the Parasite Pals website and saw not only the woman who turned off my heart light, but also the three bastards she ran away with: ZZeezz the bed bug, Tickles the tapeworm, and Dig Dig the head louse. It wasn't enough for her to leave me for one other man. She had to leave me for three--my three former best friends.

It seems they've all started some kind of stupid parasite toy line. Do they really think people want to buy a Tickles the tapeworm lunch box? Or a Head Louse air freshener? I mean, just what in the holy hell are they smoking over there?

Holly, the hostess of these jerks, turns out to be one of Chris's old college girlfriends. I met Blinky when Chris gave Holly a butterfly kiss, which is basically when two people press their chubby faces together and blink really fast a bunch of times. The violent blinking knocked Blinky off Holly's lashes and onto Chris's, and thus our doomed romance began.

This Parasite Pals thing has opened a lot of old wounds. I never really got to thank Zzeezz, Dig Dig, and Tickles for what they did....maybe now's the perfect time.

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