December 28, 2004

A Doll's Tale

Every story has a beginning and an ending. This one begins and ends in a garden.

I tracked The Evil Doll to her garden hideout in the Windsor Terrace section of Brooklyn. She was waiting for me.

I asked her where the blood on her knife came from. "It's not blood," she said, "It's Kool Aid. Tee hee."

"Liar!" I shouted.

Dino stumbled in just then, smelling of cheap wine. It turns out he followed me there, stopping off at a few bars along the way. Dino approached the Evil Doll and said, "Hey sweetheart, how about you and me go buh buh buh boo with a couple drinky poos?"

The Evil Doll didn't take to Dino as warmly as he hoped.

Luckily, Dino was able to trade his life for something the Doll did take warmly too.

While Evil Doll drank, Dino hummed Amazing Grace. A nun happened to be passing by and heard the song, so she stopped in to listen. The nun was so shocked to see a doll sucking back a bottle of vodka in broad daylight that she just had to say something.

She said, "Listen here, Doll. I think you should put down that devil juice, put your hands together, and pray real hard for your soul. Because you're on a one-way ticket straight to hell."

Apparently, that suited Evil Doll just fine.

That's what happens when you try to reason with a Doll who's in cahoots with Satan.

Satan gave Evil Doll a special reward for what she did to the nun.

While they had their orgy, I decided enough was enough. I hopped over to Evil Doll, jumped onto her eye, and burrowed through her eyeball into her brain. Once there I was able to hook into her hippocampus and learn that Chris was being kept down the street in the basement of a hippie pizza place called "Peace-a-Pizza."

With that information I no longer needed the services of Evil Doll, so I grabbed a couple handfuls of neurons and took control of her bodily functions.

"What are you doing, Little Pepe?" she asked.

"I'm not doing anything," I said, "It's you who's about to do something."

Up, up the tree we went. So high I could see over the rooftops, clear to the Statue of Liberty in all its morning glory. I said to Evil Doll, "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes," she said. "Why...it IS beautiful." Tears formed in her eyes. "My God, what have I been doing with my life? I've been horrible to people. Just plain horrible. Well no more. I'm going to change my ways, Pepino. I'm going to be a better person, from here on out. Why, I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Day! I want to spread joy and happiness to the whole world! I want to cure crippled children!"

And you know what? She meant it.

"Good for you," I said.

Then I made that Evil Doll jump to her death.

After her sudden change of heart you may think that she didn't deserve to die. Well, in the words of William Munny, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it."

Arrivederci, Evil Doll.

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