November 21, 2004
et tu?
Earlier today, Chris's most prized possession in the world, his Dean Martin singing doll, was kidnapped. The above picture of the victim was emailed to me this afternoon by the kidnappers.
Chris loves his Deano doll. Many a night would he sit by the fire, sipping from a bottle of Jack, and listen to Dean belt out such classics as "That's Amore" and "Everybody" over and over. Yes, it's true that by the end of the night, with the bottle of Jack as emtpy as my soul, Chris would usually end up violently screaming at Dean to sing "My Rifle, My Pony, and Me." But that doesn't mean Chris didn't love that doll. Tough love...yes. But love nonetheless.
Suspects include, and are limited to, Chris's sister Gina and his cousin Steph. I saw them both in the apartment this morning acting rather shifty. They were here to take advantage of the fact that Chris isn't around, using his apartment as their weekend homebase for certain illegal activities involving the purchasing of bulk amounts of sweatshop-made, knock-off purses in Chinatown.
Gina and Steph, the first thing you must realize is that I do not negotiate with terrorists. So don't bother emailing me your demands as they will fall on deaf ears. I would personally shoot Dean Martin doll in the head, a la Keyser Soze, before meeting any of those demands. The fact that you would do this to Chris, while he himself is a victim of kidnapping, is appalling. When you sent me that picture of Deano I threw up in my mouth. That's how disgusted I am with your behavior.
Now, here are my demands. Unless Deano is returned to his proper place on Chris's bookshelf by next Sunday, I will began a relentless campaign to expose and embarrass the crap out of the both of you using this website. I won't say what this will entail, or how long it will go on. Only that it will be brutal, and it will be seen by the hundreds upon hundreds of people all over the world who view this site every month.
Dean Martin...back on Chris's bookshelf...by sundown on 11/28/04...or, as your God once said, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay."
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Deano is on a mission. A secret mission. He may return, or he may not. That is still yet to be seen. I do know though that he is currently brining the turkey for Thursday. Where he'll be off to next, is unknown.
Posted by: Kidnapper at November 23, 2004 08:14 AMIt was a strange and erie night that early Sunday morning...I don't know if it was the jars of grappa or the intoxicating night air of Brooklyn, but something happened that night. The door suddenly opened, and there he was...drink in one hand, a ciggerette in the other..It was Deano. I thought I was dreaming, but as I looked over at Tim, laying there in pain from the deflated air mattress..it was happening!! Deano was crying for help, we both saw it...Was he kidnapped?? Or is it something else, something unexplainable at this time???
Posted by: TD at November 23, 2004 10:22 AMDo not lie to me, Kidnapper. You write in saying that Deano is on a secret mission, implying that he left of his own free will, and yet you call yourself KIDNAPPER? Do you take me for a fool!
Where will he be off to next? It had better be to Chris's bookshelf or else you bastards will pay dearly. You have awoken a sleeping giant...prepare to get stomped like the mickey mouses you are.
For those of you who don't know, TD is Gina's male friend and the Tim he refers to in his comment is Steph's husband. They were both present at the scene of the crime and are therefore accomplices. But they will be spared my wrath as they are nothing more than pawns of the truly evil Gina and Steph, on whom I will focus my fury like a laser beam, shot from the darkest depths of hell into the heart of my oppressors.
Posted by: pepino at November 23, 2004 11:17 AMDeano once told me that he just couldn't take being forced to eat pasta fagiole every night.
Posted by: Ol Blue Eyes at November 23, 2004 01:07 PM
Oh yeah? Well, Deano once told ME that not only does he absolutely adore eating pasta fagioli every night via a funnel that Chris forces down his throat, but that he also absolutely adores his bi-monthly pasta fagioli bath in which Chris uses Deano's head as a loofah.
So ring-a-ding-ding to you, Ol Blue Eyes, you big fat liar.
Posted by: pepino at November 23, 2004 01:47 PMChris,
I may be able to help get Dino (not Deano) back for you. My credentials - I've watched Rio Bravo & The Sons of Katie Elder numerous times.
Let me talk with those involved. Also, why is this being directed at just the females, my understanding is that there were Tim squared in the immediate area,
Yes, Stumpy (aka Chris's Uncle Bob), Tim and TD were both in the immediate area. But my spider senses tell me that the females are the masterminds of this crime, so my beef lies with them.
Also, they are Chris's blood relatives, so their involvement in this betrayal is the most disturbing.
As for your credentials...they are impressive. I may have use for you.
Posted by: pepino at November 23, 2004 07:49 PMI really don't want to get involved but Dino was a friend of mine. I say we look at The Tim's first. It's your choice, I'm just a young rock singer in a Duke movie making a name for myself. Get anlong home Cindy, Cindy..... Maybe you heard it!!
Posted by: Colorada at November 25, 2004 02:02 PM
This website is a work of fiction. All references to people, places, names, and/or businesses are done so in a purely satiric manner.
Foop! sketches by Chris Daily
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